The Expectations of my Youth

I starting writing this blog on my 40th birthday, which was in October. I did not gather the energy to finish until now because work usually takes all my creative energy, which is really what they pay me for so I deem this as acceptable. I was inspired to finish this half written blog when Kathy and Cassie (Lipstick & Cowboys Boots) gave a wicked podcast on things they would tell their younger self. (check it out here: https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-eraiz-117f07d)

As my 40th birthday approached, I thought a lot about the stark difference in how I felt compared to my 30th. On my 30th birthday, I felt like I hadn’t accomplished all that I was supposed to, I was supposed to be in love with some amazing man, have kids, balance a great career and be super fit (I was riding a fancy horse in this dream as well). The only thing I was winning at was my career and I wasn’t proud of a damn thing there because I kept looking at what I wasn’t accomplishing.

And if you have read any of my other blogs you would know that this was literally debilitating for me. I hated myself and was sure I didn’t deserve love or any of my dream because I sucked. Fuck is was depressing people. **insert notes from my psychologist here**

Fast forward to the eve of my 40th birthday, I was looking around at my life and found that I was a single mom of a child with health challenges, had recently joined an organization outside of traditional crop protection in a regional marketing role, had a great partner that supports me endlessly, and had a way better balance on what a healthy body looked like. Was it my 30 year old dreams…no but it was fantastic.

It took hitting rock bottom when I found out I was pregnant, and going through a war with myself to learn to love me again. Guys…by my 40th birthday I was proud of myself!

With all this being said, here are my tips to 30 year old me:

1. You do not have to have a baby before you’re 30, or 35 or even 40. I had McKenzie when I was 37. Is it hard, hell yes, but I would say that it is hard for any mother regardless of age. Many people have kids way older than I did! And even if you do not ever have a child, your life will be okay. Do not put the pressure of having a child to fix how you feel about yourself.
2. Having a child that does not fit the mold of doctors normal is hard people. I struggle with perfectionism constantly and having a child that has epilepsy (closing in on two years with no seizures yay!) and developmental issues can challenge me at a cellular level. However, what it does is remind me is to be present at every stage of my son’s life because he requires me to do so. I love and appreciate each stage of our life together so far and do not ever look longingly at the next stage because every little advancement he makes brings me joy. (he said whoa what is this, last night!)
3. Learn as many skills as you can in your career. My career has been filled with people telling me what to do next. I can remember starting my first role in the office and on day three someone came in to ask me what my next role was going to be. Slow down people! Take roles and projects that bulk up your resume, even if it’s not your passion, one day someone will look at your resume and give you an opportunity that you cannot turn down. (funny bit: I can honestly say that retail reconciliation was not my passion but did I ever learn a lot from doing it…hail queen Shona for your recon lessons)
4. I will never be an expert on relationships but what I do know if that your value does not come from being in one. I have literally dated guys that I knew were wrong for me but did because they looked good on paper. I felt like they checked all the boxes for the person I thought would make me happy. Guess what, they didn’t. And was so upset that things ended because I was had all this value on being in a relationship and thought love came from someone else. I know it sounds cliché but it was not until I loved myself that a happy relationship came to me. And you know what, we are both whole people , not this shit about two halves make a whole.
5. Being the fittest in all the land. I was punishing myself for years for not being “jacked.” What an asshole I was to myself. Really it was another excuse to hate who I was. If I had to say something to that girl that worked out 6 days a week, I would tell her what Kathy tells me all the time, calm the fuck down. I would stress myself out so much that I am sure my body held on to fat out of fear! Be kind to your body, take it for walks, give it water and sunshine. Try effective workouts that work for you and lay off the booze. My body loves lifting weights and yoga, so that is what I do. If I miss a day, a week…I don’t freak out because it doesn’t change how I feel about myself as a person.
6. The fitness one ties into this and I still struggle with this one. Take time for yourself. Even if it is 15 minutes, it is important. I am working at scheduling time for horses again in my life because they bring me the most joy (next to my son). However, setting realistic expectations for that is important otherwise my perfectionist tendencies will bitch slap me. And if I do not have time for a horse at the moment I make sure I call my friends and laugh because that is like medicine for my soul.

Sometimes I regret the time I wasted being hard on myself and would have just believed what Megan told me all the time, that I was worthy. I joke about being a slow learner but it was certainly a worthwhile journey.

Photo credit: Deanne Smith Creative